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The Week -- Moon travelers and straw poll skippers
Todd Dorman
May. 23, 2015 3:00 am
Why is it that our legislators have time to vote on fireworks but haven't funded schools?
It's a question ringing across social media, where such harrumphing is every bit as important as unbelievable self-promotion and unhealthy resentment.
WTF? Why the fireworks? A fair question.
Clearly, their unspoken answer is that our Legislature is terrible. Nolo contendere.
The truth is almost as uncomplicated.
Fireworks legislation is cheap, simple and non-partisan. School funding is expensive, tangled in complications and highly partisan.
Don't believe me? Light a firecracker and toss it. Cool, huh? Then sit down with the entire House Republican caucus and explain how their intransigence on school funding is a political loser that will do real harm to public education in Iowa.
See the difference? In one of those scenarios, you probably lose a finger.
Really big budget issues, including school funding, are now largely in the hands of top legislative leaders and folks from Gov. Terry Branstad's office. They're meeting behind closed doors. Reporters gather outside, waiting to be told that frank discussions are making some real progress. It's the most glamorous part of what we call journalism, and what you call watching paint dry.
The fact that they haven't been able to come to their senses and come to a deal by now is maddening, and breaks the law. Well, only if you're some lib who thinks the Iowa Code is full of laws, and not a handbook of lame suggestions and tyranny.
But this is how things work at the Statehouse. With lots of folks not working.
This leaves most of our elected heroes with time on their hands. Sure, they'd like to be in on negotiating the big stuff. But candidate recruitment brochures were very clear on this. Leaders lead. Leaders deal. You get the leaders' deal dropped on your desk. The vote's in an hour. It's the most glamorous part of what they call lawmaking, and what we call making very sketchy sausage.
Wait. Shouldn't they have time to read it? Oh my. That's precious. Who reads anymore?
Amid this pregnant pause of expectancy and idleness, legislation loosening Iowa's Depression-era ban on bottle rockets saw its once-snuffed fuse suddenly reignite. Its moment arrived. Sort of like when my friends and I got bored back in summers long past.
So whadaya wanna do now? Hey! Let's blow up some army men!
The House passed the bill 53-43, then rode its bike to SuperAmerica for a giant Mountain Dew and Doritos. Democrats and Republicans were on both sides of the vote. They'd all better put back the lighter before dad comes home.
Ooh. It now goes to the Senate. Ahh.
And people are getting hopped up about it.
Idiots! Freedom! Drunks! Nannies!
WTF? Why the fascination with such an unimportant issue? What about schools?
Look, we all know how the school funding debate will end. Republicans will have to agree to spend more than they hoped. It will be in the form of some highly unsatisfying deal that requires the removal of L, G, B, T and Q from the alphabet, or something like that. Regardless, we know schools will be open this fall. Will they all have fancy heat and lights? We'll see.
But fireworks is a wild card. What will happen? Everybody has an opinion. Folks on both sides of the issue can vividly imagine how they'll be directly affected.
I'm thinking about whistling moon travelers arcing skyward on a sultry evening, their glow rivaled only by fireflies. You're thinking of that overserved neighbor, throwing firecrackers on your lawn while your nervous dog piddles on a very expensive rug.
I've got a strange feeling the fireworks bill just might pass, especially of the session drags on. That means we could have a legislative session defined by a gasoline tax and fireworks. Might be a good idea to watch the adjournment from a safe distance. Maybe 100 miles.
HUCK BUCKS STRAW POLL
Former Arkansas governor and diet pitchman Mike Huckabee says no straw for him. He's skipping the Iowa GOP's August Straw Poll near Boone. And so can you!
'Conservative and hardworking Iowans want a strong and principled conservative Republican nominee for president who represents their values. I have concluded this year's Iowa straw poll will serve only to weaken conservative candidates and further empower the Washington ruling class and their hand-picked candidates,” Huckabee said in a statement.
'History will repeat itself if we don't learn from the past. It's clear that pitting conservative candidates with limited resources against each other in a non-binding and expensive summer straw poll battle, while allowing billionaire-backed establishment candidates to sit out, will only wound and weaken the conservative candidates who best represent conservative and hardworking Iowans.”
Cut through some of the purple prose, and Huckabee is pretty much correct. Candidates with scarce resources shouldn't waste them on trying to win a fake election with purchased votes.
But what ‘s also going on is Huckabee 2.0 can't recapture the magic of his surprise straw poll showing way back in 2007, when he riffed on stage alongside an Elvis impersonator. He was the feel-good spotlight-grabber that day.
Now, instead of playing with Elvis, he's standing by Josh Duggar. Not feeling so good, suddenly.
So A Huckabee straw return would only show how his campaign this time isn't nearly as cool and compelling as it was last time. So why bother?
But with Jeb Bush and Huck each skipping straw prom, the event now teeters on the brink of what The Gazette's James Lynch calls a 'Boone-doggle.” You see what he did there? Nice.
All eyes are on Scott Walker, Marco Rubio and Rand Paul. If Walker, your current Iowa GOP front-runner, decides to participate, the Confrontation in the Corn is on like anhydrous ammonia. If not, we may have a far less compelling Ben Carson book-signing on our hands. We'll know soon.
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